食べづらい部分のカニの身を食べながら、「これを一たび吹けば、素敵な音色が鳴るといいのにね」と言うと、「君はずっとそんな風にご機嫌ならいいのにね」と返されて、そんなのはいいとこ取りに過ぎないんじゃないかと思った。でも、それのどこが悪いことなんだろう？ わたしは自分のすべてを受け入れようとして、深刻な不眠症になり、憂鬱や不安に対する薬を毎月何十錠も渡されている。
As I teased out the stubborn pieces of crab meat, I said “It would be nice if I could blow on this and coax a melody out of it.” And they replied with something like, “I wish you were always like this”.
I pushed back, saying it was nothing more than cherry-picking the good parts. But later, I found myself wondering: Why should that be a bad thing?
I’ve tried to embrace every part of myself—and in doing so, I’ve slipped into deep insomnia. Now, each month, I’m handed dozens of pills for the weight of my sadness, my anxiety.